In My Ass (2019)
In My Ass 2019 was the ninth edition of the annual In My Ass event, held on August 4, 2019. The show was highlighted by Chance going one-on-one with The Undertaker in a Hell in a Cell match, Charles Barkley and J-Pac teaming up to take on JBL and Dynamite Derek in a winner take all tag team match, and Drew Thunder defending the United States Championship against both Sheamus and Cesaro. __TOC__ Background Mere minutes into the year of 2019, the devious Chance enacted one of his most heinous plots when he orchestrated the demise of The Undertaker. Following the Deadman's apparent incineration, the Golden Boy swiped The Undertaker's urn as a souvenir. Unfortunately for Chance, he forgot that the reaper always comes to collect. That's precisely what he did at Diaz's Fuck Fest XV, when The Phenom rose from the dead once again to sway things in the favor of Drew Thunder in his United States title match with Chance. Undertaker would figuratively and literally tip his hat to The Master of Drew-Jitsu as a token of mutual respect for technically being the man truly responsible for his absence. In exchange for helping him recapture the United States Championship, Drew Thunder reunited Undertaker with his coveted urn. While Undertaker stood in the ring making proclamations about what the future may hold for him, a hearse backed its way to ringside. Anticipating an ambush, Undertaker swung the door open to reveal a gold-plated casket. Chance would appear on the video tron suggesting that his rival was looking into his future. He would continue by claiming that the two should face off on final time at In My Ass, declaring that he's going to make sure he finishes him off for good this time. Undertaker accepted, but felt that it was only appropriate that the two settle things where it all started: Hell in a Cell. Chance agreed, noting that last time they met in the structure The Undertaker chokeslammed him to Hell. This time, however, he warned that he was taking Undertaker with him. Does the Golden Boy stand a chance in Hell against The Phenom or will the reaper claim yet another soul in the unforgiving steel confines of his playground? The fifteenth Fest was set to not only be the culmination point of fifteen events, but the culmination of a journey between two champions. J-Pac and Dynamite Derek had squared off in the past, but never had the stakes been as high as they were in this monumental main event. As the dramatic collision reached its apex, co-commissioner JBL inserted himself into the mix. Despite his prior allegiance to J-Pac, the Texan tycoon took aim at the World Champion and let loose a clobbering Clothesline from Hell. Dynamite Derek would finish off his opponent for good measure, becoming the undisputed SvR06 World Heavyweight Champion. With questions being hurled at both perpetrators of this highway robbery, JBL took the opportunity to clarify his actions first. He claimed that he used J-Pac and his walkout last year as a way to shake the public faith in Commissioner Barkley. JBL continued by stating that he helped J-Pac remain World Champion until the time came to crown the man that he felt should truly represent the company, Dynamite Derek. The supposed hero responded to the taunts of "sellout" by claiming that he rejects the accusation because he has stood by his vows to do what's best for the company and the people. He noted that he believed that Charles Barkley had everyone's best interests in mind until he interfered in his title defense against J-Pac last year and let him walk out with the World Heavyweight Title. Dynamite Derek claimed that he may not see eye-to-eye with JBL, but that he's better for the future of the company than Charles Barkley. With In My Ass approaching, JBL made a proposition to his fellow co-commissioner. He would team up with World Heavyweight Champion Dynamite Derek against Barkley and a partner of his choosing. The co-commissioner's team who wins will become the solo commissioner of SvR06. Barkley approached the man he selected by informing him that he never thought he'd have to come to him for help. However, under the circumstances, he felt it was best that the two put their differences aside if only for one night. He accepted Barkley's offer, but suggested that as long as he's co-commissioner that he use his executive power to make Dynamite Derek put the World Heavyweight Championship on the line as well. At In My Ass, Charles Barkley and J-Pac will team up to take on JBL and Dynamite Derek in a winner take all tag team match. Drew Thunder and Chance were an alliance that dominated most of 2018. However, despite Chance's claims that things were "all for one, and one for all" between them, the Golden Boy's lust for United States gold became more valuable than his partnership with The Master of Drew-Jitsu. At Diaz's Fuck Fest XV, Drew Thunder managed to recapture the championship, getting even with Chance in the process. As the United States Champion, Drew Thunder spoke at the annual July 4th company cookout. He stated with pride that Drew-Jitsu may have been born out of Japan, but that Drew Thunder is American made. This provoked an interruption from the former World Tag Team Champions, The Bar, who joined the United States Champion on the grandstand. Sheamus suggested that Drew Thunder is the perfect representative of America, given that he had to cheaply develop Drew-Jitsu in Japan because he couldn't make it in the States. Cesaro chastised anyone who celebrates a country whose favorite Independence Day pastime is scarfing down disgusting hot dogs, unlike in his native Switzerland where they don't choke down food like savages. The Bar would reveal that they sabotaged this year's fireworks display, effectively making this the worst company cookout since the year Walter mistook the potato salad bowl for a toilet. Refusing to let The Bar ruin the holiday, Drew Thunder claimed that part of the responsibility that comes with being United States Champion is standing up to scum like them. Drew Thunder announced that he'll show why he's the most committed fighting champion in all of SvR06 because he will gladly defend his United States Title against Cesaro at In My Ass. And after he's done making Swiss cheese out of him, he'll put the title on the line against Sheamus as well. The Master of Drew-Jitsu will have to become a marathon man at In My Ass to potentially take on not one, but two challengers in back-to-back title defenses. Will this decision prove to be an act of valor or hubris? Winning two matches in one night to retain the title will be a tall task, but Drew Thunder appears to be up for the challenge. In one of the most shocking upsets in Fest history, Rey Mysterio managed to outwit the criminal mastermind of The Kingpin to score the victory and take home the Intercontinental Championship. With this win arguably being the biggest victory of his time in SvR06, Mysterio claimed that it was a win for everyone. However, one person who disagreed with that sentiment was former champion Scott Steiner. Big Poppa Pump was outraged that a pencil-necked pipsqueak like Mysterio was desecrating a title that he felt he made relevant. Carlito would throw in his two cents, agreeing with Steiner. Carlito would continue by stating that the only person that could ever make the Intercontinental Title look less cool than Rey Mysterio was Scott Steiner. With the two potential challengers attempting to one up the other, both would receive singles matches with Mysterio. If they could defeat the champion, they would earn an Intercontinental Championship match at In My Ass. In both instances, Carlito and Steiner interfered with the bouts. Fed up with their antics, Mysterio announced that he would put his title on the line against both challengers at In My Ass. The champion has a history of overcoming seemingly insurmountable odds, but besting two of the most successful former champions will be a challenge unlike any other he's faced. When The Pranksters reunited last year, they vowed that they would rectify their loss of the World Tag Team Titles a number of Fests ago. As promised, the duo managed to dethrone The Bar at the fifteenth edition of the event, a declarative victory that would prove they were back to stay. Now back on top of the division, the new champions looked to get the ball rolling on finding their first challengers by announcing the Pranksters Tag Team Invitational, hoping to widen the search for teams they've never faced. However, the call was instead answered by the villainous Kingpin and his heavy Rhyno. The expansion of The Kingpin's criminal empire took a hit when he lost the Intercontinental Championship to Rey Mysterio in a shockingly quick upset. To remedy the loss, he turned his attention to the tag team champions. However, The Pranksters suggested that an opportunity at their titles should be reserved for more experienced teams rather than two opponents who have never tagged together. With that established, the Pranksters Tag Team Invitational would end up being contested between former World Tag Team Champions The Shithouses and the relatively unknown North Haverbrook Express. Despite their obscurity, The Pranksters claimed that they put their city on the map by holding the North Haverbrook Tag Team Titles a record two times. Before the first challengers for the gold could be determined, The Kingpin and Rhyno interjected themselves into the match and decimated both teams before inquiring if they were qualified enough now. The Pranksters agreed to defend the World Tag Team Championship against first-time tag partners The Kingpin and Rhyno. Despite their inexperience, their actions have shown that they will no doubt be a force to be reckoned with for the champions. The annual Money in the Bank Ladder match was arguably bigger than ever this year. Not only did six of SvR06's most elite competitors battle for the opportunity to earn the contract, it was none other than Big Show who managed to scale the ladder of opportunity and seize the briefcase. However, some didn't view the victory as something to be proud of. Christian, specifically, felt that Big Show should recognize the distinctly unfair advantage his height offered in a match like this and that it reflected poorly on him to take an opportunity from an underdog like himself. When Christian implored Big Show to apologize for holding down smaller talent, he declined. When Christian took things a step further by alluding to Big Show throwing his "weight" around, he was clocked with a knockout punch by Mr. Money in the Bank. Big Show would have the opportunity to compete against both Dynamite Derek and J-Pac, the two men who he could potentially challenge for the World Heavyweight Championship if he were to cash in at In My Ass. On both occasions, Christian made his way to ringside to obtain signatures for his "Bully in the Bank" petition that claimed Big Show should be stripped of his Money in the Bank privileges. Although many of the signatures on the petition were signed in very similar handwriting, SvR06 management was willing to listen to Christian's accusations of unfair treatment. To remedy the situation, it was decided that Christian would receive a one-on-one match against Big Show with the Money in the Bank contract on the line at In My Ass. At a later event, as Big Show's family were seated in the front row, Christian approached them and told his children that they deserve a positive role model. Someone that they can look up to in more than just a physical sense. With that in mind, Christian gave each of Big Show's kids a t-shirt featuring a doctored image of him holding the Money in the Bank briefcase. Incensed, Big Show charged Christian and tossed him into the ring before making his way to a steel chair. Before he had his chance to use it, Christian informed Big Show that he'd better learn to control himself because if he gets disqualified, counted out, or loses their match in any way, he'll lose the briefcase. Big Show relinquished the chair, but nevertheless threw Christian to the floor for good measure. Christian has clearly gotten himself in the head of the World's Largest Money in the Bank winner, but Big Show will have keep a cooler head if he wants to retain his contract at In My Ass. Since embracing the persona of The Recycler, Count Out has been finding some of the best success of his career. The numerically-challenged vampire found himself in the midst of a tumultuous turf war when he made the decision to go green and aid D-Generation X in defeating the nWo at Diaz's Fuck Fest XV. Now on his own for virtually the first time in his career, Count Out has finally begun to endear himself to the fans. This newfound success hasn't endeared him to everyone, however. One individual in particular who has taken issue with Count Out is the reigning Hardcore Champion, The Big O. The Colossal Casanova was outraged that Count Out and his DX buddies were applauded for instructing people to "suck it," whereas he was sent to mandatory sexual harassment training when he did it. Big O claimed that he had two moods, hungry and horny, and that he would satiate one of those appetites when he devoured Count Out in the ring. Count Out accepted the match, but only with the added caveat that The Big O put the Hardcore Title on the line. If Jimmy Hart is to be believed, The Chart Toppers were scheduled to have their first official live performance at Diaz's Fuck Fest XV. Apparently their instruments had been stolen from their dressing room moments before their set, and the Mouth of the South was pointing the finger of blame at The Uncivilization. Bumbo could only respond with "Eat 'em up" when questioned, which was sufficient enough evidence for Hart and The Chart Toppers. In response, Jimmy Hart challenged The Uncivilization to a Battle of the Bands, pitting Bumbo and Bimbo's musical talents against Conway and Grenier's. Surprisingly, Bimbo's vocal stylings were far more melodic than neanderthalic. Unfortunately, Bumbo was a bit less attuned to the provided instruments and proceeded to smash them into pieces. Jimmy Hart would manage to find another excuse for his band not to play by claiming that the rules stated that both teams were to play with the instruments provided. Since their opponents destroyed them, Hart proclaimed The Chart Toppers the winners by disqualification. Bimbo admitted that music wasn't their forte, but that The Uncivilization had another number they would play on the heads of The Chart Toppers at In My Ass. Chris Jericho's bout with Brock Lesnar may have been the most brutal in the history of the Fest. In an unprecedented moment at the event, the official was forced to stop the match before any further damage could be dealt out to Y2J. At In My Ass, Jericho will make his first appearance since the vicious onslaught to host the latest edition of The Highlight Reel. His guest this time around will be none other than the always incendiary Walter P. Wiley. Matches From the first match to the last, Diaz's Fuck Fest XV was arguably the most shocking of them all. One contributor was the new Intercontinental Champion Rey Mysterio, who defeated The Kingpin for the title in an astonishingly short amount of time. Although no stranger to having the odds stacked against him, Mysterio would also open this year's edition of In My Ass against both Carlito and Scott Steiner. Carlito would spend a majority of the match slyly picking his spots, while Mysterio and Steiner primarily kept the action in the ring. When Steiner eventually grew tired of Carlito's antics, he confronted him on the outside. However, it would result in both men being taken down by the aerial artistry of Mysterio. Despite Carlito's attempts to disrupt the pin, the Intercontinental Champion would finish off Steiner shortly thereafter with a patented 619 to retain the title. In a backstage interview, a woman bearing a striking resemblance to Count Out asked The Big O and Torrie Wilson about their strategy going into tonight's Hardcore title match against Count Out himself. While Torrie wasn't giving into this apparent charade, Big O was visibly enamored with the woman holding the microphone. After their Battle of the Bands went horribly awry, The Chart Toppers stepped into the ring with The Uncivilization for tag team action. While Bimbo had no difficulties throwing his weight around against Conway and Grenier, Jimmy Hart's presence on the outside proved to be a nuisance as usual. The Mouth of the South would continue to be characteristically vocal until he came face-to-face with Bumbo and his hungry eyes. With Hart at bay, it was only a matter of time before The Uncivilization played their favorite number on the heads of The Chart Toppers to bring this tag team match to its crescendo. In the locker room area, Big Show and Rey Mysterio discussed his upcoming match against Christian where Show's Money in the Bank contract will be on the line. Co-commissioner JBL would approach the two, but rather than focusing on his upcoming match, he took the opportunity to fan the flames of Big Show's fury. While Christian had previously made a handful of inflammatory statements about Big Show being a poor role model for his children, JBL showed him a statement where Captain Charisma apparently alluded to also wanting to be his wife's new "daddy. Incensed, Big Show wasted no time getting to the ring and pounced his opponent with viscous intent. The World's Largest Money in the Bank winner launched Christian from pillar to post, nearly finding himself disqualified by the referee for his excessive disregard for his opponent. When Christian managed to kick out from a pinfall attempt, Big Show lost control and flung the referee across the ring. This was the last straw for the official, who immediately rang the bell. Per stipulation, a loss of any kind would result in Big Show relinquishing the Money in the Bank briefcase to Christian. While his championship opportunity was now out of his colossal grasp, Big Show left another parting gift for Christian by leveling him with a knockout punch. Making his first appearance since his brutal Fest beating at the hands of Brock Lesnar, Chris Jericho hosted the latest edition of The Highlight Reel with his guest Walter P. Wiley. After implying that a bribe to a judge from Walter may have led to Butterbean's victory over Charles Barkley at the Fest, he inquired what was next for the shrewdest of the Wileys. Walter advised Jericho to look behind him if he wanted to know what things looked like going forward. He pointed out how every member of WPW found their greatest success while under his guidance, that The Shark went undefeated for years in part thanks to him, that Brock Lesnar's only World title in SvR06 was while he was being managed by him. Walter would reiterate again to Jericho that if you want to look ahead, you have to first look behind. At that point, Jericho was jumped from behind by two face-painted behemoths collectively known as The Abomination of Desolation. If Walter's words hold any weight, the future could be extremely bright for these two monstrosities. After their monumental capture of the World Tag Team Championship six years after they last held them, The Pranksters put the titles on the line up against the brute force of The Kingpin and Rhyno. While Kingpin was no stranger to tag team gold, this was the first time he and Rhyno would officially team up together. The Pranksters appeared dressed as Doc and Marty to signify that they are the team of the past, present, and future, and even attempted to ride Kingpin up to 88 miles per hour. The bout would reach its culmination when Nateflix capitalized on Rhyno after sidestepping a Gore, further solidifying the claims of the champions that this is more than just a Pranksters Reunion Tour. As the retaining champions held their titles high, Walter P. Wiley appeared onstage to applaud the duo. Clearly he's already set his sunglass-covered sights on bringing the World Tag Team Titles to The Abomination of Desolation. After stepping up to The Bar, Drew Thunder found himself in a situation where he would have to defeat two opponents in order to leave with the United States Championship still in his possession. The first to take his shot at The Master of Drew-Jitsu was Sheamus. As soon as the match began, Sheamus looked to finish things early by immediately going for the Brogue Kick. However, Drew Thunder had his opponent well scouted enough to duck the atack and counter with his own Thunderstruck kick. Quickly transitioning into the cover, Drew Thunder scored the first victory of two that would retain his championship. Before the second contest could begin, Sheamus bitterly assaulted Drew Thunder with the title belt before leaving the rest to Cesaro. The Swiss Strongman went for a quick cover of his own, but Thunder had enough fight left in him to kick out. The champion managed to battle out of his predicament, even thwarting Cesaro's attempt to introduce a steel chair while the referee was out of commission. Instead, Sheamus appeared once again at ringside and tossed Cesaro another chair that found its home on top of Drew Thunder's cranium. With the official none the wiser, Cesaro scored the three count to become the new United States Champion. The Big O headed to the ring, expecting to defend his Hardcore Title against Count Out. However, in yet another costume change for The Recycler, Count Out appeared under the persona of Gangreen. The challenger appeared to have the situation well in hand, as the Colossal Casanova's mind seemed to be elsewhere. When The Big O propelled his opponent to the outside of the ring, he suddenly found himself rolled up from behind by The Hurricane. Thanks to the 24/7 rules sanctioned under the title, Hurricane was crowned the new Hardcore Champion before high-tailing it with Big O and Count Out in hot pursuit. In one of the highest-stake tag team matches in SvR06 history, Charles Barkley teamed up with J-Pac to take on JBL and World Heavyweight Champion Dynamite Derek with both the right to be sole commissioner as well as World Heavyweight Champion on the line. J-Pac came into the match with a head of steam, especially looking to settle the score with JBL for the ploy he and Dynamite Derek executed in the main event of the Fest. Perhaps it was the overexuberance of J-Pac and Barkley that led to their downfall, as the two would fall victim to underhanded tactics while the referee was distracted. Ultimately, Dynamite Derek would pin J-Pac to not only retain his World Heavyweight Championship but to secure JBL's position as the one true commissioner of SvR06. With the dust settled, Barkley offered a hand of mutual respect to J-Pac, a man who had made the past few years more than a bit difficult for him on a number of occasions. While leaving the ring after his final farewells, Barkley was joined by Batista. The Animal noted that Barkley's power as co-commissioner was still in effect until midnight, giving him the idea to name Batista as the new number one contender for Dynamite Derek's World Heavyweight Championship. The celebration for Batista would be cut short, however, as he was attacked by none other than The Shark shortly thereafter. Clearly not satisfied with hearing that this opportunity would go to the man who defeated him at the Fest, The Shark wasted no time in crushing the new number one contender's chest. Immediately following this attack by one beast, yet another by the name of Brock Lesnar came to take his free shot at Batista. In a surprising turn of events, The Shark returned to the ring and ejected Lesnar from it. Whether this was just a case of protecting his prey or whether he'd gained some respect for Batista after their Fest match, it's unprecedented for The Shark to come to anyone's aid. In a backstage corridor, The Big O continued his search for The Hurricane and the Hardcore Championship. When he found the latter, it was around the waist of Torrie Wilson. She chastised her man for clearly thinking about that other woman during his match and clarified that she has no intention of laying on her back for him this time, instead opting to give the people a Hardcore Champion they can be proud of. As the ominous Hell in a Cell began to descend upon the arena, it was time for the main event. Chance and The Undertaker would do battle in the hellacious structure that began their rivalry late last year. While the Golden Boy has managed to go toe-to-toe in the past, he found it much more taxing with nowhere to run. Undertaker displayed why he is the best pure striker in the game, lighting Chance up with a flurry of body blows and shots to the head, taking full advantage of the lax rules of their confines. After flinging him into the mesh like a javelin, Undertaker split Chance open before signaling that he was set to bring the match to an end. No sooner than he completed his signature throat slash was The Phenom assaulted from behind by an interfering Sevendust. The Scourge of Sins brutally bludgeoned The Undertaker with a steel pipe before allowing Chance to make the cover for the victory. Chance may have left In My Ass with his hand held high, but he learned the hard way that you don't win Hell in a Cell against The Undertaker as much as you merely survive it.